Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
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I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
No chill.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.