“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”