“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Self-cleaning conscience
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.