My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.