you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores