you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My purse is deeper than some people.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE