Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
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Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day