My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
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A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS