You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation