@jessokfine: You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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@bornmiserable: ME: Avenge my death CO-WORKER: That's just a paper cut ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON'T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
@davedittell: the doctors gnash their teeth and howl through the night, but they dare not breach the lines of my apple orchard
@_Enanem_: I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.