You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’d use my best pan on you.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.