you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.