In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
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Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Well well well…
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.