Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I told my vodka about you.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!