You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁