@JVarsityCaptain: You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you're supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that's running just punkd you.
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@LittleLostLad: Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with 'Kevin E' written on the side.
@dadjokehansolo: Ben: I'm trying to read, you're in my light Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse! Ben: Dad I swear to- Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
@Chyld: I want to open a pizza shop called "Cheesus Crust!" Our slogan will be: "Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell." -or- "Crust has risen."
@GoddessTitty: NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE Waiter: ahem *points to sign* Me: oh that's fine, I'm not ordering anything