You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
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A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Actually cracking up @ this
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.