Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Good morning
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?