You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello