You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”