You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
🤣🤣💀
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I hope google does well on my son’s test