man i love columbo
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Good news
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.