“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
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“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving