You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
You Might Also Like
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
the noise i just made
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.