@CVTBaby: You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you're eating -- you ALWAYS spill something on it? It's cuz you're a pig.
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@DannyZuker: Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.
@icrushedmyhalo: Boss: Lunch meeting, let's go. Me: Do I have to? Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol. Me: *moonwalks to the car*
@jonnysun: *sees a fly* ahhh *trying to swat fly* nooo *gives up* well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol FLY: *hands me a tiny check* ME: wat the
@UnFitz: Doctor, reading chart: "Says here you're improving!" Doctor: "...Oops." *slowly turns chart rightside up*