You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
oh u like geography? name every lake
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?