You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me if I was a dog
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.