You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
You Might Also Like
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.