People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
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[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount