@ericacanrant: You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.
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@david8hughes: [under heavy sniper fire] Platoon leader: where's that sniper fire coming from? Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
@DurtMcHurtt: Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it's my trackpants. Who's house is this?
@WarrenHolstein: Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn't breaking news. It's been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
@LizHackett: I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.