You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Previously On Persistence 😎
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.