You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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