@Fickle_Filly: You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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@gerryhallcomedy: me: *turns around in swivel chair* *tents fingers* I guess you never expected to see ME again... Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
@kiel_phillips: ME: Dave's coming over for tea WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair with? DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don't eat peas
@SaddestFinger: My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he's a seasoned vet.
@mattvbrady: im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything...