@Fickle_Filly: You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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@WilliamAder: Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
@aka_fatman: Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
@UniqueDude2: [Meeting girlfriend's parents] Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks! <Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>