You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“What?”
– Jude
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.