You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”