You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
You Might Also Like
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
This is so me 😂😂
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???