you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.