You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Somebody’s lying.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*