You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks