Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator