You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.