You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Warm pools make me nervous.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
“our sushi is very fresh”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.