You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
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Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?