You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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he’s sick of your bullshit today
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Bruh PLEASE
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”