You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Gods work.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Terribly Tuesday.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”