You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Well, shit
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one