You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him: