You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
No. YOU-buprofen.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.