boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you