You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.