*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
🤭😂
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Noah was an idiot.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
kids play hide and seek like
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Pigeon open mic night.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR: