You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I know karate and tons of other words.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.