You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
the three genders
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower